Happy Birthday to Lorna

I watched a scary movie that ended with a scene of dead people in birthday hats. Then I painted cupcakes on my nails. Solid week!

My Colors

(from left to right) Correctamundo by OPI, Polka.com by OPI, Blue Print by Milani, White Canvas by Milani, Draw in Pink by Milani, Black Sketch by Milani, Arizona by Zoya, Mira by Zoya, Bikini so Teeny by Essie, A List by Essie, Van D'go by Essie and a yellow Nail Art pen.

First, I painted my nails with light blue.

Ombre Sparkly French Manicure 

To have a good ombre I needed the highest glitter concentration at the top of my nail with a gradual sparkle decrease as I moved down my nail. First, I painted the top half of my nail with a light coat of glitter. Then I really globbed the sparkles onto the top quarter. Last, I used a small brush to pick individual flecks of glitter and add them piece by piece to the bottom of my nail. Moral of the story, this took way longer than I thought it would.

Here is my thumb in front of Lorna's large cat painting because KITTY.

27 Years of LDB 

First, I painted birthday confetti on my nail. Using a small brush, I added stripes in all different colors and facing the same direction. After that dried, I put a blue 27 on top.

Birthday Candles

I painted three candle sticks in blue, purple and pink. Then I added yellow flames on top and a skinny black line to the middle of the flames.

Cupcakes 

First, I created my cupcake wrapper. Using light pink, I painted a rectangle at the bottom of my middle finger. I used a darker pink to add stripes to the cupcake wrapper. After that dried, I painted cupcake frosting. My frosting basically looks like a big white cloud sitting on top of the wrapper. Last, I added dots in different colors to represent my sprinkles and a big red cherry on top.

Birthday Nails! 

Lorna did an amazing Confetti French Manicure! 

Happy Birthday to Me (1981) 

Happy Birthday to Me is about a group of ten popular, rich kids who call themselves the Top Ten (super creative name, guys). They are seniors at a private high school called Crawford Academy and yes, they are the absolute worst. They are really into doing scary, bad kid stuff like driving cars over opening drawbridges and racing motorcycles. They spend the rest of their time ferociously making out with each other and then arguing about it. (OMG how can I get into this group, right?)

The movie starts with Top Ten member, Bernadette's, murder. As the movie continues, three more Top Ten members are killed:

1. Etienne: a French exchange student. Obviously, he wears a scarf at all times because that's what being French is. 
2. Greg: killed while lifting weights. That's honestly the most interesting thing that can be said about EFFING Greg. 
3. Alfred: an overall creepy guy who does taxidermy as a hobby. His home is filled with stuffed rats, raccoons and squirrels. (The fact that he's in the popular group is the true mystery of this film) Initially, I thought he was the killer but the murders continue after his death. 

We start to learn more about Top Ten member, Virginia. Four years ago she went to Crawford Academy and wasn't popular. Her mom threw her a birthday party but no one came because another girl at school, Ann, was having a party on the same day. So Virginia's mother, who's kind of nutso, drives to Ann’s house and demands that Virginia is invited to the party. Ann's father forces them to leave. On the way home, Virginia and her mother get into a terrible car accident. Her mom dies but Virginia survives. Virginia eventually returns to Crawford Academy, becomes best friends with Ann, and is accepted by the popular group.

After the murders, the remaining members of the Top Ten meet at a bar (this movie is Canadian so 18-year-olds can drink). Despite the horrific deaths of Virginia's four close friends, she still wants to get her grind ON. Virginia is choosing between two guys who look exactly the same, Rudi and Steve. I would describe their style in four words: permed-haired, 80s, baggy windbreakers. Virginia decides to bring Steve home with her. She makes him the always sexy and totally normal midnight snack of beef shish kabobs with grilled vegetables. She proceeds to feed him in a sultry manner, as one does when sharing a shish kabob with an overnight sex guest, and then stabs him in the throat.

Virginia's Dad comes home to find his home covered in blood. He runs to the guest house hoping to find Virginia. Instead, he sees the dead bodies of the five murdered Top Ten members wearing birthday hats and sitting around a set table. Then Virginia appears, carrying a birthday cake and singing, you guessed it, Happy Birthday to Me. When she sees her dad, she slits his throat. Yay!

All the sudden, a seated Virginia wakes up. PLOT TWIST, Ann (wearing a Virginia mask) was the murderer! (So believable! Even in the 80s, before the internet/modern technology existed, all Canadian teenagers had easy access to affordable and incredibly realistic masks. You could just walk right into your nearest mask store and buy one. The 80's: the decade of Madonna, the fall of the Berlin Wall and masks that make you look like exactly like someone else.)

Turns out that Ann's father cheated on his wife with Virginia's mother. As a logical way of enacting her revenge (even though Virginia's mother had already suffered a tragic death and Virginia seemed like a really sweet girl) Ann thought it would be funzies to kill 50% of their friend group and frame Virginia for it.

The Descent

I just found a blog draft that I wrote in 2012! While 2012 me thought Amaretto Sours were an acceptable cocktail, had to call Mom every time she wrote a check just to make sure she was doing it right and couldn't even fathom the concept of staying in on a Friday night, she did know way more about art than I do now. So this week, in honor of my precious 22-year-old self, I'm going to do nails inspired by Kazimir Malevich.

First, let's start with an explanation of Malevich's art from college me.

Malevich was a Russian painter in the early 1900s, founder of the Suprematist movement and overall badass. He painted a white square on a white canvas, named it White on White and was like 'HEY everyone come look at this art I just made.'

Ok not quite as badass as when Marcel Duchamp drew a mustache on a postcard of Mona Lisa and called it art but we can't all be on Duchamp's level.

Malevich wrote an essay about Suprematism that basically said, 'Paintings of real life objects... OVER IT.' Art that shows real life should not be considered art because it is just a simple copy of real life. (Basically SUCK IT all artists who painted before the 1900s. Your work is garbage). Malevich believed that art had reached a desert and could only be reborn through the square.

Back to present day! This week I'm going to do a Suprematist manicure and watch The Descent. I used these two Malevich paintings as my inspiration.

My Colors

(from left to right) Fishnet Stockings by Essie, Pretty Edgy by Essie, Blanc by Essie, Jancyn by Zoya, Mira by Zoya, Black Sketch by Milani, Blue Print by Milani and Lilou by Julep.

First I painted my nails with Blanc.

Then I added details color by color. I started with black.

Next I added orange. I painted every nail with a different design and different colors combinations.

Time to add blue. At this point I started overlapping the shapes just like Malevich's paintings.

Next up, yellow.

A few of my nails also got some green and purple.

Suprematist manicure achieved!

The Descent (2005)

I'm most scared by horror films about getting lost in the woods. In The Descent, not only are we lost in the woods, but let's add some claustrophobia to this equation because we are two miles below ground in a cave. Oh yeah and there are human-eating monsters down there. Party!

The movie starts with three friends (Sarah, Beth and Juno) white water rafting through treacherous waterfalls. When they finish their trip Sarah's husband, Paul, and their daughter, Jessica, meet up with the group. On their drive home they get into a terrible car accident, killing Paul and Jessica.

Time passes and Sarah is trying to heal. Juno plans a caving trip with friends. Sarah and Beth agree to join. Initially, Juno wants to bring the group to Boreham Cave, a well-established cave with designated trails, but Juno decides that this isn't adventurous enough. Instead, she chooses to check out an undiscovered cave but conveniently leads everyone to believe that they are still going to Boreham Cave.

The group of women descend into the cave. They are army crawling through a narrow rock path, barely making it through without get stuck and suddenly the rock path collapses. Now they can no longer get out of the cave by simply turning around and must find a new path out. At this point Juno is like, 'PS I don't have a map of this cave because I tricked you and we aren't at Boreham Cave.' For the rest of the movie you watch these women impressively maneuver through this treacherous cave until they encounter the monsters.

Spoiler alert, lost in cave + murderous demons = everyone dies. But good news, the ladies in the movie are super badass! Juno is an especially interesting character. She is not likable. Here's how I would describe Juno. Imagine you're hanging out with a group of girlfriends. You're playing board games, laughing and enjoying a fun night in. Everyone is happy! But this one girl is super insistent on going to the stickiest, most crowded, generic bar you can think of that only serves vodka shots and is crawling with loud 20-year-olds. Let's call this bar T.G.I Friday's. Everyone in the group is strongly against this idea but this one girl is so pushy and annoying and she somehow tricks the entire group into going out. That girl is Juno.

Juno is kind of the villain. It's her horrible idea to go into this cave in the first place. At the end of the movie she accidentally kills Beth, thinking that Beth is a demon, and then does nothing to try and save her, just leaving her to die. You also learn that Juno had an affair with Paul. At the same time you've got to admire what a total badass she is. She spends most of the movie in a black tank top, holding weapons and red flares and murdering the shit out of demons. I've never seen someone break a demon's neck with such beauty and grace. It's truly fun to watch.

My main takeaway from The Descent, WOW I'm so lucky that I'm currently above ground.

Shivers

David Cronenberg's Shivers is such a TERRIBLE movie. Let's talk about it. Also, I meant to post this in the fall so let's pretend that it's not January 4.
 

My Colors

 

(from green nail polish going clockwise) Pretty Edgy by Essie, Jana by Zoya, Jancyn by Zoya, Lilou by Julep, Black Sketch by Milani, Blanc by Essie and Fishnet Stockings by Essie.

First, I painted my nails with Blanc.

Now it's time to paint a tree. I started by painting the branches.

Next, I added orange leaves. On my middle nail, I painted dots on the tree branches and a few dots on the ground. On my other nails, I painted a combo of dots and deformed looking stars to represent my leaves.

Then I added red leaves.

Next, I added yellow and green leaves.

Yay leaf nails! PS I knit those fingerless gloves! 😻

 

Shivers

 
I usually find something redeeming about my horror film of the week, but I SUPER disliked this one. Shivers takes place in a sterile, uniform apartment building in Canada. The film opens with a yuppie couple touring an apartment. In the unit next door, Doctor Hobbs, this old creepy guy who's doing weird experiments, is murdering his teenage mistress. Yay!

Doctor Hobbes believes that humanity has become too rational and lost contact with its natural instincts. So he develops a parasite that's half-STD, half-aphrodisiac and plans to release it. (Because parasitic infection is always the solution. Like, that time NEVER when all of humanity got hookworm and suddenly world peace and prosperity were achieved). Doctor Hobbes infects his 19-year-old mistress with the parasite, but then realizes how dangerous it is. In an effort to save others, he kills his mistress and commits suicide. But oopsie, the mistress has already had sex with a bunch of people in their apartment building. For the next 70 minutes, everyone in the building gets infected with a parasite that makes them act like sexually aggressive zombies. So fun!

The movie annoyed me because the plot made no sense and the details of the parasite's transmission were not consistent. And when it comes to super bloody films about STD-parasites, I at least expect my parasitic method of transmission to be effing consistent. One guy had the parasite crawl out of his body like a worm. Then his little parasite worm friend bit other people and infected them. He was the only one who experienced this parasite worm situation. Everyone else transmitted the disease through sexual intercourse.

A lot of other people hated this movie too and wrote real angry articles about it. Shivers was partially financed by the Canadian Film Development Corporation, a taxpayer-funded organization that was created in an effort to kick-start Canada's film industry and bring Canada to Hollywood's level of prestige (lol). Canadian journalist, Robert Fulford wrote an article called, "You Should Know How Bad This Film Is. After All, You Paid For It". OMG so sassy I love it! My favorite line: "If using public money to produce films like Shivers is the only way that English Canada can have a film industry, then perhaps English Canada should not have a film industry." Oh, Robert Fulford, I celebrate you!

I Know What You Did Last Summer

I've got stripes and anchors on my nails. Get at me, Cape Cod!

My Colors

Avery by Zoya, Blank Canvas by Milani, Fishnet Stockings by Essie, Ogre-the-Top Blue by OPI, Russian Navy by OPI, and Jancyn by Zoya.

First, I painted my nails with Avery.

Then I used Blank Canvas by Milani to draw white stripes. Blank Canvas has a really skinny brush so it's easy to paint straight lines!

Now it's time to draw my octopus friend.

First, I painted a red oval on my middle finger.

Then I painted the octopus' 8 tentacles (gotta be accurate).

I added little white dots on the tentacles to represent the octopus' suction cup things. I also painted eyes using Blank Canvas. Once that dried, I added blue pupils.

To make my manicure even more nautical, I painted a starfish on my pinkie and a dark blue anchor on my index finger. I'm really embracing Boston's obsession with sailboats and shit.

I Know What You Did Last Summer

Ten Super 90's Moments from I Know What You Did Last Summer

1. The sheer existence of this human being

2. Really the fact that these four were in a movie together. God bless the 90s!

3. Sarah Michelle Gellar on a parade float, wearing a tiara while sitting inside of a giant shell.

4. This super trendy arm bracelet paired with a black headband.

5. This 1997 version of Google Chrome.

6. The fact that even though this is a movie about high schoolers, most of the actors actually look like 30-year-olds.

There's no way that you're 17, girlfriend.

7. This newsboy cap and granny bra shirt magic.

8. This portable telephone.

9. Small sunglasses, Big overalls.

10. Back in the epoch before the Google Maps lady regularly saved my life. Back in the dark, dark times before I went to mapquest.com and printed out haphazard directions. I guess people used to handwrite directions on paper. That's some real 90's transportation right there.

I Know What You Did Last Summer begins with our four 90s heartthrobs hanging out on a beach at night. On their drive home, they hit a guy who jumps into the road. Ryan Phillippe, who appears honestly to believe that they'll all get the death penalty for this, insists that they just throw the body into the lake. He reasons that the crabs and sharks will probably eat the body. You know, those human-eating lake crabs with the ability to demolish incriminating evidence.

A year passes...

J. Love gets a letter that says... can you guess... "I know what you did last summer." At first, she thinks it's a prank but then this spooky dude starts murdering people with an ice pick, sooo yeah definitely not a prank. Ryan Phillippe, using some real genius logic, realizes that the killer wears a black raincoat and Freddie Prinze Jr. also owns a black raincoat. Phillippe confronts Prinze and is like YOU HAVE A BLACK RAINCOAT. MURDERER. Case closed!

J. Love, believing this raincoat rationale, sees Freddie Prinze Jr. and runs away in fear. Then this random creepy dude is like, "Run onto my boat and I'll save you from Freddie Prinze Jr." Surprise, surprise, random creepy dude is the ACTUAL murderer and Freddie Prinze Jr. is just a guy with a raincoat. For the next 15 minutes Jennifer Love Hewitt runs around this boat, trying to escape. Freddie Prinze comes to her rescue and uses his mad boat knowledge to make some booms swing and hooks fly and shit. In the end, the killer falls into the lake and dies. Yay!

Freddie Prinze Jr. is like, WOW, Jennifer Love Hewitt, you were almost murdered with an ice pick! This is the perfect time to say I love you. End of movie.