Shivers

David Cronenberg's Shivers is such a TERRIBLE movie. Let's talk about it. Also, I meant to post this in the fall so let's pretend that it's not January 4.
 

My Colors

 

(from green nail polish going clockwise) Pretty Edgy by Essie, Jana by Zoya, Jancyn by Zoya, Lilou by Julep, Black Sketch by Milani, Blanc by Essie and Fishnet Stockings by Essie.

First, I painted my nails with Blanc.

Now it's time to paint a tree. I started by painting the branches.

Next, I added orange leaves. On my middle nail, I painted dots on the tree branches and a few dots on the ground. On my other nails, I painted a combo of dots and deformed looking stars to represent my leaves.

Then I added red leaves.

Next, I added yellow and green leaves.

Yay leaf nails! PS I knit those fingerless gloves! 😻

 

Shivers

 
I usually find something redeeming about my horror film of the week, but I SUPER disliked this one. Shivers takes place in a sterile, uniform apartment building in Canada. The film opens with a yuppie couple touring an apartment. In the unit next door, Doctor Hobbs, this old creepy guy who's doing weird experiments, is murdering his teenage mistress. Yay!

Doctor Hobbes believes that humanity has become too rational and lost contact with its natural instincts. So he develops a parasite that's half-STD, half-aphrodisiac and plans to release it. (Because parasitic infection is always the solution. Like, that time NEVER when all of humanity got hookworm and suddenly world peace and prosperity were achieved). Doctor Hobbes infects his 19-year-old mistress with the parasite, but then realizes how dangerous it is. In an effort to save others, he kills his mistress and commits suicide. But oopsie, the mistress has already had sex with a bunch of people in their apartment building. For the next 70 minutes, everyone in the building gets infected with a parasite that makes them act like sexually aggressive zombies. So fun!

The movie annoyed me because the plot made no sense and the details of the parasite's transmission were not consistent. And when it comes to super bloody films about STD-parasites, I at least expect my parasitic method of transmission to be effing consistent. One guy had the parasite crawl out of his body like a worm. Then his little parasite worm friend bit other people and infected them. He was the only one who experienced this parasite worm situation. Everyone else transmitted the disease through sexual intercourse.

A lot of other people hated this movie too and wrote real angry articles about it. Shivers was partially financed by the Canadian Film Development Corporation, a taxpayer-funded organization that was created in an effort to kick-start Canada's film industry and bring Canada to Hollywood's level of prestige (lol). Canadian journalist, Robert Fulford wrote an article called, "You Should Know How Bad This Film Is. After All, You Paid For It". OMG so sassy I love it! My favorite line: "If using public money to produce films like Shivers is the only way that English Canada can have a film industry, then perhaps English Canada should not have a film industry." Oh, Robert Fulford, I celebrate you!

Creature from the Autumnal Lagoon

WARNING! Painfully seasonal nails are ahead. There will be leaves. There will be trendy dark greens and muted neutrals. There will be organic granny smith apples. Then suddenly a creature will appear from a black lagoon and eat you!

My Colors

 

(from left to right) Black Sketch by Milani, Delight by Chanel, Fishnet Stockings by Essie, Yara by Zoya, Jana by Zoya, Jancyn by Zoya and Avery by Zoya.

First, I painted my nails gold.

Then I added leaves. I painted my leaves in all different colors! Drawing a leaf, was like drawing a short, fat, Christmas tree. Here are two of my leaves. Let's watch them grow!

Next, I outlined my leaves in black.

Then I added the leaf veins and a little leaf stem.

Get ready for some super effing autumnal pictures of my fall nails.

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) 

Here's everything you need to know about Creature from the Black Lagoon.

1. Everyone's hat game is on point.

2. It's surprisingly respectful towards women.

I went into Creature from the Black Lagoon ready to write about the film's horrible sexism. I mean, just look at the movie poster.

Get at me weak female characters who are nothing but sex objects. When the monster comes, you aren't going to do anything productive, like fight it or run away. No! Instead, you'll lie on the ground, screaming until a strong man arrives to save you.

I was so wrong! Creature from the Black Lagoon is about a geology expedition that goes to the Amazon to uncover fossils and then realizes that said fossils belong to a creature that wants to eat them. Yay! The lead female character, Kay, is super badass! She drives boats in the rainforest, she is very knowledgeable about science and she's a respected member of her team. One of her co-workers actually congratulates her for her 'valuable research'. You go girl!

3. BUT it's not totally #socialjustice.

Kay is on a team with four dudes: David, Mark, Carl and Edwin. Oh sorry, I meant Dr. David, Dr. Carl, Dr. Mark and Dr. Edwin. Obviously, ladies can't be doctors.

Furthermore, all the "doctors" in this movie are macho idiots. They are far more focused on killing the monster than doing the scientific work that they were sent to the Amazon to accomplish. At one point Dr. David and Dr. Mark fist fight each other for the chance to jump into the water and murder the creature. While Kay is categorizing fossils and doing actual science, the "doctors" are smoking pipes and being super hype about getting into their little swim trunks and shooting some underwater arrows. And I'm supposed to believe that these dudes deserve PhDs?

4. There's super silly 'the monster is coming' music.

This theme song is played every time the monster appears (this ends up being around 130 times according to film scholar, David Schecter).

5. The technology is very 1950s and very precious.

Want to see a big, silly apparatus? Check out this very practical underwater camera.

Left Shark Nail Art

This week I watched Jaws and painted sharks on my nails.

My Colors

(from left to right) Blue Print by Milani, Black Sketch by Milani, Blank Canvas by Milani, and The More the Merrier by Essie.

First I painted my nails with The More the Merrier.

On my middle and ring fingers, I painted an outline of my shark face. It looks like an isosceles triangle that's kind of tipping over. Yay geometry!

I filled in half of my triangle with blue. On my index and pinky fingers I outlined shark fins.

I filled in the shark faces and fins with white. My shark fins are now done!

Time to add details to my shark faces! First, I used Black Sketch to add little eyes.

Time to add the final details! I outlined half of the shark's eye in white and added a little white dot to the middle. Using Black Sketch, I painted the shark's mouth and three gills under its eye.

Special shoutout to Gerard for having super nautical room decorations and not being visibly weirded out when I spent an hour taking pictures of my hands amongst them.

Jaws (1975)

Jaws takes place in a fictional Martha's Vineyard town called Amity Island. In the summer of 1975, Amity Island is terrorized by a 25-foot great white shark that kills five people and one very adorable labrador puppy. As this movie has taught us, moving to Amity Island is a terrible idea! The mayor is corrupt, the town economy is too dependent on summer tourism and you will most definitely be killed by a shark. But OMG the Vineyard is so cute.

12 reasons I would move to Amity Island despite the fact that I'd inevitably be eaten by a shark:

1. Amity Island is the quintessential, quaint New England town!

2. Yes, if you move to Amity Island you'll probably witness one of your dear friends be savagely maimed by a shark, blood spurting EVERYWHERE... but that oceanfront property tho!

3. Every man, woman and child owns a super adorable boat.

4. So Amity Island doesn't have a sustainable and diversified economy, but can't you just see yourself drinking wine and looking out your window onto the EFFING OCEAN!

5. Look at this beach bonfire. Doesn't it look fun? Don't you want to strum your guitar, drink some beer and try to forget about that time you were sitting on the beach, enjoying the perfect New England summer weather when all the sudden a shark massacred your little brother and dragged his body out to sea?

6. Everyone is really into anchors, boats and nautical shit.

7. All of your loved ones are going to be murdered by a human-eating shark. But look, the beach!

8. The mayor is a total idiot. After the first shark attack, the sheriff suggests closing the beaches to prevent any more deaths. (Hmm that makes sense) But the mayor, fearing that a shark problem will hurt summer tourism, forces the sheriff to keep quiet. (WHAT? NO!) He goes so far as to convince the coroner that the victim died in a boating accident. Naturally, the next day the entire town goes to the beach and the shark eats an adorable little child.

Yet, the mayor continues to reassure everyone that swimming in the ocean is totally safe! (AHHHH!) I spent most of the movie actively hating the mayor and yelling at the TV. But row boats are so fun!

9. Your precious children are going to be incredibly psychologically damaged from all the shark attacks that they witness. But you'll get to live in a beautiful colonial style home with a very tasteful garden. So, worth it.

10. LOOK AT THIS PUPPY!! Look at its adorable puppy face! Forget how you're 100% going to be eaten by a shark.

11. Clearly, summer tourism is way more important that your safety, but how beautiful is this Martha's Vineyard sunset?!

12. Before this whole shark eating everyone thing, the Vineyard's largest crime problem was karate students ruining the town's white picket fences by karate chopping them. Even their vandalism is adorable!